Thursday, December 28, 2006
2006 Spawned Many Little Monsters
There were a lot of babies born in 2006 ... some of them were born to famous parents. Among those celebrity-spawned babies were a couple of extra special ones ... this year we got to see what a baby borne of the two most beautiful people on Earth, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, would look like. This year we also got to see what a baby borne of Scientology magic and media spin would look like. Unless I missed one or two, here are the famous-fresh-from-the-womb (or Petri dish in the case of the TomKat hatchling) celebrity babies of 2006 ...
Moses Malone -- borne of Gwyenth Paltrow and Chris Martin:
You didn't think his big sister Apple had the monopoly on weird names did you?
Barron William -- borne of Melania Knauss-Trump and Donald Trump:
Invariably, this poor kid will inherit his dad's awful comb-over some day.
Grier Hammond -- borne of Brooke Shields and Chris Henchy:
Grier was born on the same day that Suri Holmes-Cruise came into existence. She was born on the same day to save mankind from Suri's inevitable reign of terror. Their showdown is yet to come.
Bluebell Madonna -- borne of Geri Halliwell and, I believe, some dude who denied this child was his:
Truly ... this year's Baby Spice.
Kingston James McGregor -- borne of Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale:
Prolly the cutest boy born this year.
Dannielynn Hope Marshall -- borne of Anna Nicole Smith and most probably Larry Birkhead altho Anna Nicole's leechy lawyer Howard K. Stern is listed as the father on the baby's birth certificate:
A court-ordered paternity test is pending.
Isabella -- borne of Luciana and Matt Damon:
Isabella was born so that Violet Affleck could have the perfect BFF.
Johan Riley Fyodor Taiwo Samuel -- borne of Heidi Klum and Seal:
This kid has got more names than he prolly will ever know what to do with. He'll prolly just go by JR when he gets older.
Johnnie Rose (girl) and Miller Steven (boy) -- borne of Tammy Lynn Michaels, Melissa Etheridge and an "anonymous sperm donor" who may one day turn out to be a member of the rock group Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young:
I really hope it doesn't turn out that Neil Young was the anonymous sperm donor.
David Banda -- adopted by Madonna and Guy Ritchie:
I don't believe that David was born in '06 but his adoption by Madonna and Guy in the Fall of this year caused a worldwide sensation ... he deff deserves a shout-out with the rest of the babies.
Jayden James (altho, we were all led to believe his name was Sutton Pierce for many weeks after his birth) -- borne of Britney Spears and Kevin Federline:
We've yet to see pictures of the little scamp because Britney divorced Kevin before he could use the pictures to promote the sale of his debut album. Now we'll have to wait until Britney is ready to release her next album in 2007.
Suri -- allegedly borne of Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise:
Who knew you could actually make a baby out of a basketball.
Shiloh Nouvel -- borne of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt:
She will save the world.
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Moses Malone -- borne of Gwyenth Paltrow and Chris Martin:
You didn't think his big sister Apple had the monopoly on weird names did you?
Barron William -- borne of Melania Knauss-Trump and Donald Trump:
Invariably, this poor kid will inherit his dad's awful comb-over some day.
Grier Hammond -- borne of Brooke Shields and Chris Henchy:
Grier was born on the same day that Suri Holmes-Cruise came into existence. She was born on the same day to save mankind from Suri's inevitable reign of terror. Their showdown is yet to come.
Bluebell Madonna -- borne of Geri Halliwell and, I believe, some dude who denied this child was his:
Truly ... this year's Baby Spice.
Kingston James McGregor -- borne of Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale:
Prolly the cutest boy born this year.
Dannielynn Hope Marshall -- borne of Anna Nicole Smith and most probably Larry Birkhead altho Anna Nicole's leechy lawyer Howard K. Stern is listed as the father on the baby's birth certificate:
A court-ordered paternity test is pending.
Isabella -- borne of Luciana and Matt Damon:
Isabella was born so that Violet Affleck could have the perfect BFF.
Johan Riley Fyodor Taiwo Samuel -- borne of Heidi Klum and Seal:
This kid has got more names than he prolly will ever know what to do with. He'll prolly just go by JR when he gets older.
Johnnie Rose (girl) and Miller Steven (boy) -- borne of Tammy Lynn Michaels, Melissa Etheridge and an "anonymous sperm donor" who may one day turn out to be a member of the rock group Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young:
I really hope it doesn't turn out that Neil Young was the anonymous sperm donor.
David Banda -- adopted by Madonna and Guy Ritchie:
I don't believe that David was born in '06 but his adoption by Madonna and Guy in the Fall of this year caused a worldwide sensation ... he deff deserves a shout-out with the rest of the babies.
Jayden James (altho, we were all led to believe his name was Sutton Pierce for many weeks after his birth) -- borne of Britney Spears and Kevin Federline:
We've yet to see pictures of the little scamp because Britney divorced Kevin before he could use the pictures to promote the sale of his debut album. Now we'll have to wait until Britney is ready to release her next album in 2007.
Suri -- allegedly borne of Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise:
Who knew you could actually make a baby out of a basketball.
Shiloh Nouvel -- borne of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt:
She will save the world.
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