Friday, July 02, 2004
been thinking
grr ... as much as i love having tons of time to myself i do find it a bit annoying when i think too much or dwell on something that bothers me. it seems that i still can't get over the birthday thing ... and i think i know why. last summer was not a great one for me ... at this time last year, tony and i were completely falling apart ... the end was very near (in fact, i believe we broke up the day after my birthday) and i was alone. this year, i feel inadvertently alone again (and it's not even funny that tony is moving to LA on july 12th of this year ... yes, he's moving to california to do what i've always wanted to do ... on my birthday).
i know, i know ... i love being by myself ... i've always considered myself a loner but things changed. i met erik, we connected so fast and became inseparable. but ever since our trip to LA we've not really had a chance to spend any time together. if we're not doing something with other people, then we are doing stuff with other people individually. he's at work all day long only to come home and then go out with different people. it's just been bothering me lately ... i know i'm going to have to talk to him about it but i really just wanted to sit down and write and try to get my thoughts together. it's okay, he doesn't even have time to read this journal anymore so it's not like he's going to get a heads up.
i wish more than anything that i could embrace my birthday and be happy about it. it's not even about the turning 30 thing it's just that i have all these negative connotations associated with my stupid birthday. god, when i think about last year it really depresses me. all i did was get drunk and go to bars by myself at night and then lock myself up in the day staying away from everyone ... not even answering my phone. the year before that was when dipshit steve fucked up everything we ever had as friends ... i honestly can't remember the last good birthday that i had.
all of these feelings are being compounded by the fact that i feel like i'm by myself again. it's not erik's fault or anything, it's just the way things have been working out. i can't put my finger on it but something seems different between us. we don't talk anymore ... we never just hang out anymore ... i should be so excited for an upcoming birthday and all i feel is dread. what i wouldn't give to just whoop it up with friends, with erik ... i need something to squash all of these negative feelings that i feel are linked to my birthday.
blah ... i spent the afternoon in malls buying tons of shit and i just didn't feel better (well, maybe a little better, i did get some cool shit). all i really did was think about how i'm feeling and how my upcoming birthday is affecting me and my mood.
i did get to see erik for like 10 minutes after he got home from work today ... then he had to take off to hang out with mike ... there is some vague plan to meet up at necto tonight. i don't even know why he wants to go ... he hates that place ... i hope i have a good night. i'm tired of feeling so isolated. i'm tired of feeling old.
shit ... i think i'm just plain tired of feeling.
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i know, i know ... i love being by myself ... i've always considered myself a loner but things changed. i met erik, we connected so fast and became inseparable. but ever since our trip to LA we've not really had a chance to spend any time together. if we're not doing something with other people, then we are doing stuff with other people individually. he's at work all day long only to come home and then go out with different people. it's just been bothering me lately ... i know i'm going to have to talk to him about it but i really just wanted to sit down and write and try to get my thoughts together. it's okay, he doesn't even have time to read this journal anymore so it's not like he's going to get a heads up.
i wish more than anything that i could embrace my birthday and be happy about it. it's not even about the turning 30 thing it's just that i have all these negative connotations associated with my stupid birthday. god, when i think about last year it really depresses me. all i did was get drunk and go to bars by myself at night and then lock myself up in the day staying away from everyone ... not even answering my phone. the year before that was when dipshit steve fucked up everything we ever had as friends ... i honestly can't remember the last good birthday that i had.
all of these feelings are being compounded by the fact that i feel like i'm by myself again. it's not erik's fault or anything, it's just the way things have been working out. i can't put my finger on it but something seems different between us. we don't talk anymore ... we never just hang out anymore ... i should be so excited for an upcoming birthday and all i feel is dread. what i wouldn't give to just whoop it up with friends, with erik ... i need something to squash all of these negative feelings that i feel are linked to my birthday.
blah ... i spent the afternoon in malls buying tons of shit and i just didn't feel better (well, maybe a little better, i did get some cool shit). all i really did was think about how i'm feeling and how my upcoming birthday is affecting me and my mood.
i did get to see erik for like 10 minutes after he got home from work today ... then he had to take off to hang out with mike ... there is some vague plan to meet up at necto tonight. i don't even know why he wants to go ... he hates that place ... i hope i have a good night. i'm tired of feeling so isolated. i'm tired of feeling old.
shit ... i think i'm just plain tired of feeling.
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